30. A year of Balance.

So I hope, anyhow, that 30 will be my year of balance. I say that only because I DO feel so balanced at this point of my life...and there's something profound about passing into this decade of my life. I know major changes will occur, I will have to make life-changing decisions, and Lord only knows where I'll be at the end of this decade!

My 30th birthday passed with a bang. My mom was here...I had a great party...and happened to be on break during that time so I could really take advantage of the time with my Mom...and just enjoy the moment!

And there's something intensely satisfying to be completely unattached right now. I know that Buddhism teaches that we have to let go of "holding on" to things...to people, to the past, to expectations, ideals. And this isn't easy. To let go of the ground beneath our feet. It's a contradictory message to all the other stuff we here...get "grounded," settle down, make roots, solid ground solid ground. But I get this, and it resonates with me. I do not want to lean, to depend, to be "figé" (stuck) in some place, some time, with some person...I need to feel completely whole and fulfilled just with me. Paris helps me do that. In some ways, it forces it, I guess...makes me think of a conversation I had over a glass of wine with an ex-boyfriend turned friend. I asked him if he goes into every relationship thinking long-term. His response, "Well, I am 32 now, Amanda! And what do you go into a relationship thinking?" Something new, something challenging and yet complimentary, somebody to ignite that which is latent but needs help shining, somebody with whom I can just "be"...in this moment. But that's because I'm here for who-knows how long. This is home, but not home. So how can I think long-term in the short-term...when this is on uncertain terms? And so I just am me. I'm not saying this works for everyone....cuz I know that people like to put down roots. Heck, I've GOT roots here...roots that I can't imagine yanking out right now! But as I walked home from an increadibly hard yoga class last night...after meeting some friends for dinner at a friend's new restaurant...sitting outside, walking home in my moccasins, making no sound, seeing the Seine sparkle and the warm breeze float over my bare shoulders...I just felt so free. No drama. No waiting. No wondering. No big decisions right now. Just here and now. And I want to maintain this balance. 30 is great. Now to maintain it without thinking about its "maintenance"!